This is something I never thought I’d actually be contemplating…at least not for a few more years. It’s true. I am thinking about quitting my job. For those of you that don’t know, I am an infant teacher in the daycare at Kohl’s Corporate and share a classroom with my co-teacher. This actually has been something I’ve only recently been considering – as in maybe 3 weeks ago. It kind of came on all at once, and honestly I’m still wondering while this desire to leave has been stirring in me so strongly and so frequently. I have always enjoyed what I do and the people I get to do it with. I get to hang out with 8 adorable, fun little babies all day and what I always liked about it was that I felt like I had a very rewarding job, making a difference in each of my baby’s lives. I always knew that Kohl’s wouldn’t be my forever place, since I’ve wanted to someday be a stay at home mom ever since I was little, but I’ve always told people that I planned on working there for at least 5 years. So what happened?
The truth is, I’m not 100% sure. My job has always been stressful, because well, it’s never not going to be stressful when you have only two teachers caring for 8 babies. There just aren’t enough hands. Lately though, I feel like I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water. Granted, some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel like I’m going going going all day long doing a million things, but never really getting anywhere or catching up. What’s hard for me is that most days, I don’t get to spend quality one-on-one time with any of my kiddos, snuggling them or enjoying them, because we are constantly on the go. My day is filled with changing diapers, feeding bottles, and putting babies down for naps. Then we repeat, and repeat again. Most days, I loved it because I love each of my babies and my co-teacher. But now, I find myself not having as much patience, getting more irritated at little things, and just simply struggling to be happy. I’m starting to feel as though it’s no longer the place for me. Like I said, some days are okay and I tell myself that I should stay, but then there are other days where all I want to do is leave. My stress level has gone through the roof, and I cry a good portion of the way home most days. What confuses me and causes me to struggle so much is that I always pictured myself working with babies or little kids, because it’s what I’ve always been passionate about. But I feel like I’m burning out and I’m scared because I know what I want to do, but I’m not sure that it’s the right thing to do.
So then I come to this thought – what am I going to do? When I think about turning in a 2 week notice to my manager, there’s a lot that floods into my head. Initially, I feel excited at the idea, but it’s really difficult because there are a lot of questions, doubts and fears that flood my mind. What do I tell my co-teacher and how do I explain it? She is wonderful and we have a very good relationship. What do I tell the parents of the babies in my classroom? We have become close and surely they will all want answers. What do I tell other co-workers? Surely they will want answers as well. What do I tell my family and friends and justify quitting a job that provides regular income and benefits when I don’t have another job to fall back on? And then come the thoughts about how much I’d miss my babies, my co-teacher, my friends at work, and a regular dependable paycheck. I don’t know guys, I really don’t know. And frankly, it’s freaking me out quite a bit.
But then, I reflect in the quiet moments I have to myself. I pray and pray some more. I talk to my parents and I talk to myself. Truthfully, I think deep down even though I like what I do (most days), I’m struggling because I don’t feel fulfilled. I don’t feel as happy as I think I should be. I don’t feel as happy as I should because I’m being forced to live my life by a corporate agenda. I’m being told when I have to be at work, when I can take a bathroom break, when I can take a vacation, when I can be sick. Someone else dictates my schedule and punishes me when I don’t adhere to it. Now, I know that this describes the majority of the American workplace. I know that it is the reality because businesses need to be run to keep society running and functioning. This is frustrating for me though because I feel like I have no control over my own life. This is not the life I pictured for myself.
I started this blog because I not only want to share my ideas and passions with the world, but because I am looking for a way out. I am looking for a way to break free. A way to set my own schedule, take off when I want to, and live my life on my terms. In truth, I don’t know if blogging will bring me there, and that is what frightens me. I have struggled my entire life with sticking with things that didn’t make me happy because I was worried about what other people would think or how it would affect them. I feel like I deserve to do what makes ME happy, as it is my life after all. And from what I hear, life is too short to be anything but happy. If I didn’t have to worry about finances, I’d quit tomorrow and pursue my blogging dreams full-time, but unfortunately money is important so I suppose I have to be smart about it. People have told me that there is never a perfect time to do anything, and that if you wait for the opportune moment to follow your dreams, you will never follow them because a perfect time does not exist.
Honestly I’m not sure what’s going to happen or what I’m going to do. I am struggling every day with a lot of fear and doubt because what if it doesn’t work out?
Ah, but what if it does?